fly me to the moon.

I've reached it. That moment in life that you have nothing in your brain that is bringing you down. Took about 3 years to get here. I don't care how long it took..Just as long as it's here.

I sit here & 21 years has finally caught up to me. I'm confident, radiant and balanced. I have my flaws & i'm not scared to show them what so ever. When it comes to being there for someone..Well, i will always put my all out there. No matter if they go for it or not. For once though, I will never feel it is ME. That is all i have ever done was put myself down 'cause of others insecurities. I have a lot to offer & a lot to learn..No one will ever take away my worth. Ever.

Bouncing off the moon & baby, i'm loving it.

ive come to realize i give people way too much respect.
I give my all to every single person and showing them everything i have to offer.
Im done.

new

day new day new day day of new.

Fuck, must I repeat myself? I mean it, new day new new new new.

I need to stop expecting the best out of people.

Since my last blog. I have not acted out on the urges of the war that is being fought between my mind & heart.

Actually, since the last blog i had the dreaded swineyswine flu. Sorta cleansed everything. It was a painful cleanse but it was like my body was trying to tell me something. Showed me how i should be respecting my body & not being so hurtful.

For some odd reason i crave this feeling. I know how to fill the void but damn, what a feeling that takes over everything. Especially when i'm laying down about to go to bed. I must say, my dreams have been better. 10x better actually.

My heart is really set on moving. I don't know. I guess it just seems rather scary leaving the save valley that is vegas.

All in all, darling.

muah - amalie

Oh my heart, I want you to be strong
I need you to be all I believe in
Oh my heart, I want you to be strong
I need you to be all I believe in

I think this is 2 years over due.

I was madly in love at 18. I gave my heart to a boy & never had i regretted it ever. I was myself 100% & never looked back. Things happen where the best thing just shatters infront of you. This isn't me saying how i miss a certain person, not at all. This is just me trying to find that inner demon that has been haunting me since i was 18.
Hearts were bruised. I tried to be my 18 year old self after that. There was the next summer where i found myself but i was hurting my body & mind. I had two months of ease. Then i got the love back & i spiraled out of control. I went back to what i was struggling to be. I felt ... actually, i still feel like i have the world on my shoulders.

I went and am succeeding at my education. That is an a+ for me. I have lost best friends & i have gained many others. But here i am, 21 years old and still trying to find that carefree lil' 18 year old girl. She is a ghost inside of me. I struggle to stay pretty, so i feel. This is as honest as i can get. I feel alone, but with many friends at my side. I've had loves where that man was 100% there, but i never felt so alone at times. I might seem like i have my shit together. I struggle to keep that together. So here... I have to let it all out before i burst. I feel like i have to be that voice that everyone keeps inside there heads that they lay by themselves on their bed.

I may be pretty - but i'm i have an ugly tick. I suffer from that mindset. I think i'm the ugliest, fatty lil thing in the world. I KNOW BETTER.. Please this is not a pity party. Do not respond with " NO WAY YOUR SO PRETTY" i hear this all the time that i am.. Its time for people to hear my voice that has been inside of me.

I hate the feeling that i get when i can't get my shit organized. When my room, clothes, car are all scrambled i feel my mind is shattering.

I view my family as the ghosts of my fear. We all have problems. I know this.

I see other girls and wonder how they seem so happy when i am trying to be happy. Trying to find myself in this sea of confusion.

I hang my head in shame.. Its time to let it all out. Im recovering from an eating disorder. I can't keep this secret inside of me anymore. Especially, since i am writing a book with my teacher about mental disorders. I dont have my shit together people.

I want a man that tries. I want a man that sees my eyes & knows how i feel. Who gives all & never holds it back. That can swallow what i just said and be a man & hold a conversation without passing judgement. Not wrapped into the scene of one has to maintain in this city.

I'm hiding behind everything, eating disorder, fake smile & wants that i know better. I need to get myself intact. & if you think less of me, then thats you & that goes to show many things.

I know im a strong woman. I can do it.. i can feel myself again

Im real as i can get.. well now, officially i am as real as i can get. Cause my mind feels so much better with all this out in the open.

I love you all

Ok.. true.

Everytime I look at this picture i get all sorts of happy. Not going to lie, my father is my everything.

On another note : Obviously, I'm back to this site. I have a lot under my belt at this moment.

- Suicide girl shoot with the beautiful loralei this month or the beginning of next month. I'm very excited. I feel that this set is going to totally take over my last and put me on the map with this site. Which i lovely since i really want to become a part of this family.

- Engagement is amazing. Well maybe it is because im engaged to the most outstanding man in the world, mic.

- I'll be 21 next month, August 3rd to be exact!

- School is going to be overwhelming but at the same time i'm going to be enjoying every minute of it..

Love you all.

Seriously

Going back to my roots! AKA LIVEJOURNAL.