new

day new day new day day of new.

Fuck, must I repeat myself? I mean it, new day new new new new.

I need to stop expecting the best out of people.

Since my last blog. I have not acted out on the urges of the war that is being fought between my mind & heart.

Actually, since the last blog i had the dreaded swineyswine flu. Sorta cleansed everything. It was a painful cleanse but it was like my body was trying to tell me something. Showed me how i should be respecting my body & not being so hurtful.

For some odd reason i crave this feeling. I know how to fill the void but damn, what a feeling that takes over everything. Especially when i'm laying down about to go to bed. I must say, my dreams have been better. 10x better actually.

My heart is really set on moving. I don't know. I guess it just seems rather scary leaving the save valley that is vegas.

All in all, darling.

muah - amalie

Oh my heart, I want you to be strong
I need you to be all I believe in
Oh my heart, I want you to be strong
I need you to be all I believe in

I think this is 2 years over due.

I was madly in love at 18. I gave my heart to a boy & never had i regretted it ever. I was myself 100% & never looked back. Things happen where the best thing just shatters infront of you. This isn't me saying how i miss a certain person, not at all. This is just me trying to find that inner demon that has been haunting me since i was 18.
Hearts were bruised. I tried to be my 18 year old self after that. There was the next summer where i found myself but i was hurting my body & mind. I had two months of ease. Then i got the love back & i spiraled out of control. I went back to what i was struggling to be. I felt ... actually, i still feel like i have the world on my shoulders.

I went and am succeeding at my education. That is an a+ for me. I have lost best friends & i have gained many others. But here i am, 21 years old and still trying to find that carefree lil' 18 year old girl. She is a ghost inside of me. I struggle to stay pretty, so i feel. This is as honest as i can get. I feel alone, but with many friends at my side. I've had loves where that man was 100% there, but i never felt so alone at times. I might seem like i have my shit together. I struggle to keep that together. So here... I have to let it all out before i burst. I feel like i have to be that voice that everyone keeps inside there heads that they lay by themselves on their bed.

I may be pretty - but i'm i have an ugly tick. I suffer from that mindset. I think i'm the ugliest, fatty lil thing in the world. I KNOW BETTER.. Please this is not a pity party. Do not respond with " NO WAY YOUR SO PRETTY" i hear this all the time that i am.. Its time for people to hear my voice that has been inside of me.

I hate the feeling that i get when i can't get my shit organized. When my room, clothes, car are all scrambled i feel my mind is shattering.

I view my family as the ghosts of my fear. We all have problems. I know this.

I see other girls and wonder how they seem so happy when i am trying to be happy. Trying to find myself in this sea of confusion.

I hang my head in shame.. Its time to let it all out. Im recovering from an eating disorder. I can't keep this secret inside of me anymore. Especially, since i am writing a book with my teacher about mental disorders. I dont have my shit together people.

I want a man that tries. I want a man that sees my eyes & knows how i feel. Who gives all & never holds it back. That can swallow what i just said and be a man & hold a conversation without passing judgement. Not wrapped into the scene of one has to maintain in this city.

I'm hiding behind everything, eating disorder, fake smile & wants that i know better. I need to get myself intact. & if you think less of me, then thats you & that goes to show many things.

I know im a strong woman. I can do it.. i can feel myself again

Im real as i can get.. well now, officially i am as real as i can get. Cause my mind feels so much better with all this out in the open.

I love you all

Ok.. true.

Everytime I look at this picture i get all sorts of happy. Not going to lie, my father is my everything.

On another note : Obviously, I'm back to this site. I have a lot under my belt at this moment.

- Suicide girl shoot with the beautiful loralei this month or the beginning of next month. I'm very excited. I feel that this set is going to totally take over my last and put me on the map with this site. Which i lovely since i really want to become a part of this family.

- Engagement is amazing. Well maybe it is because im engaged to the most outstanding man in the world, mic.

- I'll be 21 next month, August 3rd to be exact!

- School is going to be overwhelming but at the same time i'm going to be enjoying every minute of it..

Love you all.